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by the lady of shalott

Warnings: NC-17, m/m, cliches galore.
Many thanks to Lucy, and Nita for betaing, but not to Merry because this is all her fault, and Seah's, and Margie's, and Lynn's, and Sandy's. I hate you all, I really do. :>


Jack thought Sam handled the suggestion pretty well, all things considered.

Her voice was steady. "Unfortunately, I'm not on the pill. I don't suppose either of you have condoms along?"

"You'd be amazed how much sex I don't have on Stargate missions," Jack said.

"No, we wouldn't," Sam and Daniel said immediately.

Jack scowled. "Ha ha, very funny. So where's your wallet stash, Daniel?"

Daniel shook his head. "Sorry, fresh out."

"Well, so much for that idea," Jack said. And right on schedule, there went Sam's nobility switch -- he could practically see it flip on in her eyes. "No, Carter, don't even think about it," he said flatly. "We're not going to risk you getting pregnant just to make nice with a bunch of idiot aliens. We'll get Teal'c out the hard way."

"Um." Daniel said. "Actually."

Jack looked at him. "Um actually what?" After a couple moments in which Daniel managed to achieve new heights of embarrassed-looking silence, Jack clued in. "You are so kidding me," he yelped.

Sam looked blank an instant longer, then started coughing. At least, Jack decided to assume it was coughing, since it was hard to find a good second and if she were really laughing her ass off about this, he'd just have to kill her.

"I'm not saying we should--" Daniel said, then stopped and hurriedly redirected. "It's just, in this culture there isn't a taboo--" Jack felt his eyes bulging, and Daniel stopped again, then said defensively, "Well, you wanted to know all the options!"

"Not an option!" Jack yelled. "No!"

"Hang on. But it was an option when it involved me?" Sam said, her eyes suddenly hard.

Shit. Mayday, Colonel. Jack scrambled. "Come on, Carter, there are limits, y'know?" he said.

"Oh?" Her voice was icy.

So much for that argument. He glanced at Daniel, who was busy studying the floor and not helping deal with the can of worms he'd just opened. Thanks so much, Dr. Jackson.

Sam was really working herself up a full head of steam. "I fail to see any difference between me having sex to achieve mission objectives and you doing the same thing, and I'd like to know what precisely you think the difference is, other than that you're the one having to do something distasteful."

"Hey! Distasteful?" Jack said, pointing at Daniel and his own chest. "Us?"

Her eyes got even flintier. "If you're both so appealing, what's the problem?"

"Oh, could it be, maybe, that we're not gay!" Jack said.

"So the fact that I don't want to have sex with either of you can go out the window, but sexual orientation, that's the limit?"

"Look, Carter, I'd have a hard time writing the report for this mission and sticking to don't ask, don't tell!" Jack said.

"But aren't there regulations against having sex with another officer at all?" Daniel asked.

Jack glared at him. "You know, feel free to keep your mouth shut anytime now."

"And come to that, how do you know I'm not a lesbian?" Sam said.

Jack remembered to close his gaping mouth after a couple moments, and thought frantically. "You were dating whatsisname, from SG-4!" he said triumphantly.

"I went to dinner with him twice! That's not dating, that's just being friendly!"

"Only twice?" Jack said. "Why'd you stop? You were cute together."

"None of your damn business, and stop trying to change the subject!" Sam snapped.

He threw up his hands. "For crying out loud, what do you want me to say? You don't seriously think Daniel and I should... you know."

She paused, then pushed her hair back with both hands and spoke more calmly. "Look, Colonel, all your reasons why we should try and resolve this without a fight still stand. We could go to another thousand worlds without finding better potential allies than these people, and if we break Teal'c out instead of proving to them that we're serious about being friends, we can forget about it. You seemed to think it was worth risking our professional working relationship and ignoring regs for an alternative."

"Hey, wait a second! I said it wasn't worth--"

"Pregnancy's a little bit more permanent as consequences go than embarrassment!" Sam said. She folded her arms and glared at him.

Jack stared back at her with the sinking sensation that he was losing this argument. He looked at Daniel a little desperately, willing him to come up with a good point.

Daniel took a deep breath. "I think it is worth it," he said quietly.

No! Not on her side!

But Daniel ignored the frantic telepathic message and went on launching the torpedoes. "Aside from the potential benefits, these people have been welcoming and friendly. We can hardly blame them for reacting badly to finding out that one of us is a Jaffa, or for being suspicious. I'd be suspicious too if the Goa'uld had tried to invade my world five times in the last three centuries. If we break Teal'c out by force, chances are we're going to end up hurting some of them."

Jack flailed. "But -- I don't even know how!" he said, then cursed himself silently. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That actually sounded like he was considering it.

Daniel turned red. "I, uh. Know the basic mechanics."

Jack stared. "You've..." He moved his hands vaguely.

"Well. Once," Daniel said. "Sort of."

"Sort of?" Jack said. "How the hell do you 'sort of'?"

"It was in college and I was drunk, okay?" Daniel said defensively. "It ended ahead of schedule."

"We have officially entered the land of things I didn't need to know," Jack groaned, covering his face and trying to block out the mental image.

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Jack."


"If you can't handle it--"

"I can handle it just fine!" Jack said automatically.

"Oh." Daniel swallowed visibly. "Okay then."

Oh shit. Had he just said... Jack reviewed the conversation and realized that yeah, he had. It was only marginally comforting to see that Daniel was looking pretty green around the gills himself and Sam was trying to prove that 'eyes as big as saucers' wasn't an exaggeration.

"I'll let Kamris know that we're going to..." Daniel waved his hand the same way Jack had before.

"Shouldn't we eat first?" Jack said a little desperately. "I mean, to keep up our energy, or something."

"Uh, no, eating probably isn't a good idea," Daniel said.

After that penetrated, Jack slumped queasily into a chair. "Let's just pretend I didn't even mention it."

"You know, I think I'm going to..." Sam pointed to the door and fled without getting any more specific.

"Coward!" Jack yelled after her without looking up from the floor.

"You really want her to stay for this conversation?" Daniel said.

Jack shuddered. "I really want to not have this conversation!"

"You know, I haven't exactly been desperately waiting for a chance to have sex with you either," Daniel said.

"Oh yeah? How do I know that?" Jack said.

"Huh?" Daniel stared at him.

"Well, you sort of!"

"Once!" Daniel yelled, going red. "And even if I were gay, I wouldn't be panting after you!"

Jack sat up and spread his arms, displaying himself. "Hey, why not?"

Daniel's mouth worked soundlessly, then he snapped it shut. "I'm going to talk to Kamris," he said abruptly, and left the room.

Smirking, Jack sat back and folded his arms. At least he'd found a new way to get Daniel going. You took your victories where you could.

And then he realized he was alone, and there was nothing to do and no one to talk to, and no way to avoid thinking about it. He was about to have sex. With a guy. With Daniel. In front of an audience of interested alien voyeurs. And he'd probably get to tell General Hammond all about it when they got back.

Why the hell did he always end up with these missions?


"Tails," Jack said, and prayed fervently while the coin flew up, spinning.

Heads. Of course.

And Daniel had the nerve to look relieved. Jack squeezed his eyes shut and considered invoking the privilege of rank. Or just going for his machine gun and taking down the dozen or so aliens watching the show from behind the thin curtain. What was one alliance more or less?


"Yeah," Jack muttered. "Give me a second." He didn't open his eyes while Daniel walked around behind him, but he didn't have to. He could practically track him by body heat alone, he was that close.

It wasn't going to work. There was no fucking way he was going to be able to go through with this.

"Hey." Daniel's voice came soft, and then he laid his hands on Jack's shoulders.

Jack tightened up. "Daniel."

"Relax, we're not going anywhere."

"Yet," Jack said.

"Yet," Daniel agreed, but before Jack could say anything to that, strong fingers were digging into his neck muscles. Jack leaned into the strokes involuntarily, head rolling back as Daniel kneaded away at the tension knotted around the base of his skull. Oh yeah. Jesus, where had Daniel learned to do that? And why was he only finding out about this talent now?

"You okay?"

"Mmramgh," Jack managed.

Daniel steered him over to the bed, which was about where Jack had planned to start panicking, except whatever Daniel was doing to his neck was feeling too damn good to interrupt. He actually helped unbutton his shirt, and somehow he wound up half naked and sprawled face-down on the bed and not minding.

He heard a couple of thuds and distantly realized those were Daniel's boots hitting the floor. Warm legs pressed against his outer thighs as Daniel straddled him and went to town on his back. Jack groaned and arched up into the pressure. "Daniel," he said, panting, meaning to say something, but he couldn't get out anything else.

Okay, this was fine, this was doable. It was just a backrub. A backrub of truly amazing, mythical quality, but still. A pal could give you a backrub anytime. There was nothing sexual about this.

Another shudder ran the length of his body. Right, Jack, how about a bridge while you're buying?

Hey, I'm not turned on, he told himself defensively.

Daniel lightly scratched his nails down the length of Jack's back.

Okay, now I'm turned on, Jack thought dizzily, his hips pushing involuntarily against the bed. What the hell was that on his neck--oh. Daniel was kissing-- oh damn, biting-- and this just wasn't fair, Daniel hadn't mentioned he was good at this, and it had been so long, so fucking long, and now Daniel had gotten his pants off without even having to remind him once that this was about the mission, and his hand was so warm and strong and just tight enough and moving just the right speed, and Jack figured he'd be having a seriously bad feeling about this if he wasn't so busy coming like a freight train.

And thank god, Daniel wasn't giving him any time to recover or think about it. There were just slick fingers pushing right into him, fuck, that was feeling good too, and Jack did panic then, but Daniel didn't seem to get that this was panic time and therefore a good place to stop. He just kept stroking in and out, and short of hitting him and running out of the room screaming, Jack couldn't see that there was all that much to do about it, so instead he put his head down and breathed through his mouth while Daniel's fingers pushed back in and kept going, smooth and hot and--

Fuck. Oh fuck. Not fingers. Jack reached out blindly and grabbed the headboard, shaking. He wasn't -- he wasn't going to -- "Yes," he said, thickly, and Daniel shoved in deeper. "Oh yeah. Come on, come on," he said, his mouth going out of control with the rest of him. He quit even trying to fight it, his whole body pushing up to meet Daniel's cock, and even thinking about it couldn't make him stop, that's Daniel's cock inside you, Jack, Daniel's fucking you, his brain was yelling, and he was still jerking up and twisting and Jesus, begging for it.

The second orgasm took him by surprise, and when he finished with that, Daniel leaned over, snug against his back, and whispered urgently, "Can I come in you?" Jack shuddered all over and that turned out to be all the answer that Daniel could wait for, which was actually more than okay, because it was nice to know he wasn't the only one completely out of control in this bed.


Jack stared at the ceiling and tried to remember what he could possibly have done to earn karma this sucky. Okay, so it wasn't enough that he had to have sex with Daniel. No, no, no. He had to have truly fantastic sex with Daniel. Not to mention humiliate himself completely by turning into a slut after nothing more than a little backrub. And then he got to accept congratulations and shake hands with a dozen spectators he'd been perfectly happy forgetting about entirely, thank you, while lying naked in bed with his brains fucked out all over the floor and his ass aching and his thighs unpleasantly slick.

At least the goddamn voyeurs had left them alone now. He looked over at Daniel. Daniel had one arm thrown over his eyes and was still breathing visibly hard. While Jack watched, he licked his lips, leaving them dark pink and wet. His chest was bare. Nice pecs, actually. Not too built, but defined, peaked nipples, skin bare except for a narrow trail of light hair going down his stomach, disappearing under the sheet.

"This is all your fault," Jack said.

Daniel lowered his arm and looked up at him warily. "Uh, are you going to have a problem with this?"

"No, I think I'm already having a problem with it."

Daniel sighed and propped himself up on one elbow, reaching back to the table for his glasses. "Okay," he said. "So is the problem that we did it, or that you liked it?"

"Oh, I liked it?" Jack glared at him. "I didn't hear you complaining!"

"You're the one who has the problem."

"And you don't."

Daniel might have gotten a little red, but it was hard to tell in the dim light. "No, I don't. Not unless you do."

"Aha, so then you do have a problem," Jack said triumphantly.

Daniel's shoulders slumped. "Okay, I guess I do," he said quietly. "So what do you want me to do about it? I'm sure Hammond could transfer me--"

"Hey, hang on, what the hell is that all about?" Jack said, alarmed.

"Look, Jack, what do you want me to say?" Daniel said, but at least now he was sounding exasperated instead of sad. "I'm really sorry it didn't suck for you, and no, it didn't exactly suck for me either, and no, I don't have a problem with that. But if you can't handle being around me after this, I'll get out of your way."

"Goddamn it, Jackson, I'm forty-three and I just got fucked for the first time in my life. Don't you think maybe I've earned the right to freak out a little here without you overreacting completely?" Jack yelled.

Daniel gave him a look. "Okay, so, how about you stay here and freak out as long as you want, and I'll go take a shower."

Jack was instantly aware of how sticky he was. "Hold it!"

"What?" Daniel demanded.

"You stay here. I'm going to take a shower."

"Hey, why do you get the shower first?" Daniel said indignantly.

"Guy on the bottom always gets the shower first." Jack took one of the sheets with him as he climbed out of the bed, wrapping it around his waist.

"Since when is that a rule?" Daniel swung his legs over and sat up on the side of the bed.

"Daniel," Jack said in a tone of great patience, "the woman always gets the shower first, right?" Daniel just looked at him blankly. "Oh come on, don't even try to tell me you don't let your dates shower first!"

"Um. Usually I just share," Daniel said abruptly, and looked away.

Jack stood completely still. Daniel couldn't seriously be suggesting... No. Definitely not. This had been a one-shot thing. A noble and selfless act for the sake of the mission and the good old US of A, not to mention Earth and the rest of humanity. They were Grade-A heroes. Now it was over, and they just needed to forget about it and get on with their perfectly ordinary, normal, straight lives. That was the plan. And hopping into the shower naked with Daniel was not part of it, in any way, shape, or form. It just wasn't on the map. At all. No way. Period.

"That could work," Jack said.

# End #